As everyone who will see this post in their friend list knows, I had another LJ. angelicambyence which is still there, though dormant. I am thinking of starting a new blog at blogger.com since it's more accessible to non-LJ users and my attempt using wordpress was a disaster. To get some idea what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, I looked over my older blog and a strong realization occurred to me.

It was one hell of a blog.

I left it because I thought it was too ranty and negative. I wanted a more grown-up and professional sort of blog. But reading my old blog...it was entertaining. It was awful writing, grammar wise, but it was all honest, straight from my core, writing. Not only that, but I got more comments on that older blog than this one (not that it matters, it's just an observation), and I wonder if that more natural, emotional voice is much more appealing than anything else? Even if it was ranty and angsty?

Can I still keep that loose, natural voice without all the negativity? But then that makes me think, it's something I must change within myself since it'll translate to the screen no matter what (of course, unless I play fake and write while masking my true feelings).

Honestly, I'm just confused. I've done too many do-overs. I've broken too many promises.

Oh well. I figure i'll get it right eventually. I've decided to go back to my angelicambyence account. Go back to my roots and maybe find who I am...for real this time ;p

I've been getting ahead of myself as usual and while stalking the Donald Maass Literary Agency website, I came across the free book written by Donald Maass titled The Career Novelist  and  downloaded it.

It's a bit old, written in 1996 (Wow, i feel old. When did the 90s become the 80s?), but I still think the advice there is really, really good. But I found it very interesting that for the first few chapters, it's pretty damn gloomy. He talks about how hard it is to get published and harder still to "make it". Yet for some reason, despite reading all these clear facts about why its nearly impossible to get published,  I was still pumped up and excited at the idea.

Maybe I'm still the naive kid that think she'll be the one in a billion to become an instant success or something (I...don't deny it). But I think it's something else. Getting published and famous and making lots of money is definitely what I'm aiming for. It's what gets me up in the morning eager to start the day. But there's something else too.

I find the process exciting. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I enjoy learning how to write better, query better and learning about the industry in general much more than actually writing the novel (...this is probably not a good thing).

Okay, I do get frustrated and impatient at times and I do wish I could get published right now. But working on it, learning the ropes, and slowly getting there, is fun too! I think this is what they mean when they say  "It's the Journey, not the Destination" or whatever. 

Hopefully this means I'm in it for the long run ^__^

As those who read my blog (or even glanced at it on the rare times I update) probably noticed , I have a problem finishing what I start and keeping my commitments.  But I want to declare something I've never dared to say with such conviction.

I am not lazy. I am determined, hard working, ambitious and persistent.

That said, I do suffer from anxiety. And I know I'm not the only one.

The more I think about it and watch myself, the more I think anxiety is not only the cause of procrastination, but also of depression. An action needs to be taken. My feelings about the action gives me anxiety. Since anxiety feels bad, I put it off and do anything that will distract me--easing the anxiety. This is procrastination. The procrastination causes broken commitments and failed goals. This leads to depression. For me it's even worse since I want to do so much.

I often get out of depression when the fear of not achieving the goal overcomes the fear of doing the action. Usually this happens right at the last minute or past deadline. This does nothing for my insecurities and low self-esteem, which probably heightens the anxiety. Thus the cycle repeats.

I don't know where it came from or if I was born with it (perhaps I'll research it one day), but doing projects and assignments gives me extreme anxiety. Especially for school. The first few days, I'm really good at getting to class on time. But then comes the homework and the projects. Going to class on time is no longer easy. I dread going to class. It gets worse if I have an assignment due and I haven't even started it. The anxiety is so bad that I'd rather get an F than do the project or face the teacher.

I nearly flunked my entire last semester because I missed all my finals.

But I am intelligent. I do excellent on tests. I'm an A student and a talented writer. 

So my biggest obstacle is anxiety. It stands between me and my writing/academic goals. While thinking about all this, I wonder...does anyone else have this problem as bad as I do? Is there any way to get out of it without resorting to medication?

I won't give up, though. I'll get published and graduate from college even if it kills me or takes a million years!

After all, I am determined, hardworking, ambitious and very persistent.

I've written new words! It's a bit weird cause the new words have nothing to do with my novel or anything towards my goal of getting published. Or at least, not for anything getting published anytime soon. Check it out in my writing journal, though it is kind of like a spoiler...for something I'm not going to write seriously until a year or two from now. Still, I love the scene.

So, what have I been up to in the last few...months?

I've been working like crazy, trying to  improve my skills as a writer. As I travel the sea of blogs of agents and their posts about queries and what it takes to get published, I've come across something that I think is the key factor. In fact, it's almost # 1 in "things you need to have in order to be successfully published" though I feel it's a bit underrated.

It's Voice.

I'm a regular reader of Janet Reid's Query Shark blog and I realize that the queries she likes the most tend to have some sort of unique voice or edge to them (also an interesting plot works too). It helps you write what your story is about in a shorter, creative way and it seems agents love that.

And guess what? I don't have it. I compare my query attempts with the successful queries posted on agents blogs. Sure it's written grammatically correct for the most part, but it feels like it was written by a computer. Drab and uninteresting. So I had to look for the cure. 

A while back in December, I bought a book at the Writer's Digest Editor's Intensive Event, called "Finding your Voice" by Les Edgerton. It was on the bottom of my "to read" pile and had intended to go over it after I was done revising my novel. Realizing this was counter productive, I've read several chapters already. I love it! It's funny and the information is so easy to follow. It's so simple, I almost feel like an idiot for needing the book.

Mainly the advice it gives is write for yourself and be yourself. Not only does it improve your writing, it kills writer's block too! If it weren't for this advice, I wouldn't have written stuff I wanted to write because I felt it was a waste of time. Now it's like practice on getting down my natural voice. Writing is fun again as I experiement with words, phrases and structure.  

Heck, why do you think I posted after so long?

This is cute. I like the result XD

Well, I got back from my psych appointment and actually feel more depress than before.

He wanted to check to see if I had ADHD and the "test" said I did, but after rummaging around in my past, he thinks I have depression and gave me some anti-depression drugs.

Honestly, I just think I'll diagnose myself.

Here's what I think I have: I was born with ADHD, got Depression and Anxiety due to all the crap in my life, and then Addiction to the internet as an unhealthy way to cope with it all.

That seems to make sense. Still...what am I suppose to do about it?

I think I've left my novel sitting on its dusty shelf long enough. It's time that I finally finish editing the blasted thing. I shall not stop till its done. Now that I pretty much gave up on school, I have all the time in the world to mess with it. That way,  by the time I have to deal with the consequences of my previous actions, I have a nicely edited novel to be proud about at least.

I've been socializing a bit, though it's mainly with just my two most amazing friends in the entire universe! They're awesome. Though it is rather interesting because they're a couple. So, they're always making out and I'm in the background, patiently waiting for them to detach. Luckily, I love them enough and want them to be together forever that it outweighs my jealousy for still being very single. Of course it is rather interesting keeping them happy and together. Charne (my friend) has already decided that if they get married I'm going to be the maid of honor.

I am very honored. Now I have even more reason to keep them together!


In other news, my Samsung Propel has come back from the dead! I had dropped it in a toilet  last month and thought it was out of commission, but I turned it on yesterday and it worked! I'm very happy about that. Now I can roleplay on my phone again!

But now is not the time to be procrastinating. I have an entire GIANT trash bag full of clothes that need to be sorted and/or donated/trashed. Though I will keep some. I've outgrown most of them....though actually, I've undergrown the jeans. Sometimes losing weight is a pain. I have no jeans that fit me!

Alright, the things I want to get done today:
-Sort the big bad bag of clothes.
-Write at least one page or finish the short story: "Beasts" so I can enter it for the critique group.
-Edit one scene of novel.
-Read the assigned essays for my writing course I'm taking online/snail mail.

So I better get to it..

Till next time.

I got internet back at my apartment! 

Maybe now I can somehow manage to undo the damage of all my broken promises and goals. Honestly, I don't even know where to start, but I guess I can start anywhere.

I have a friend named Emmanuel. It turns out that he also likes to write! After hearing me rant on and on about my book and other stories, he's decided to write again and we're going to keep each other writing. So finally I have in-person writing partner. I've been waiting for this for a long time. I just hope this works. Speaking of which, I have a chapter I need to edit and give him...

I also want to start a writing group in my area, even though I'm not entirely sure if it will be successful. Emmanuel is really optimistic though and wants me to go through with it. Well, I got to start a writing platform somehow.

Also, I'm not sure if I ever told anyone that I have a RedRoom.com profile you can check out. It's more of a professional writing atmosphere, and I hardly have anything there now, but I plan to add stuff.

Anyways, this blogging thing is still new to me, but I'm starting to realize that the gest of it is simply sharing information. So, what can I share...

The Knight Agency has a contest which deadline is April 20. Basically you send them three sentences in 150 words or less describing your novel. The best ones will be chosen and requested by the agents and give feedback. It's a cool opportunity and I'm going to try and make it to the deadline. More information can be found here.

There. I finally started.

I miss having internet at my apartment. I also miss all my internet buddies. Weirdly, as a consequence, I have gotten closer to my new non-internet friends and have developed a life outside the computer.

Shocking, I know.

Still, not having any internet is making things difficult for me. I’m going to try and call the landlady today and see maybe she can either fix it or give me a straight answer for a change.

Either way, I’m going to see if I can be a more committed to establishing a productive internet life.

And to be productive, I realize I have to be more interactive! So (I seriously meant it this time), expect some more comment-love from me, my friends. I have not forgotten you.

I feel bad really. I never really understood how to get into the Livejournal (or any journal) scene/society/whatever. But I want to. My career depends on it!

So, what are your ways to keep in touch with everyone on your friend-list?  And for my writer friends, how do you keep your internet life/habits from affecting your productivity?

New Update! Guardians of Worlds - Chapter One: Page Two http://ping.fm/R65Dm

New Update! Heroes of Aria - Day 1: The Princess and the Brat http://ping.fm/cCy9y

New Update! Heroes of Aria - Day 1 : Seyra Rynne http://ping.fm/QbEDU

New Update! Heroes of Aria - Day 1 http://ping.fm/jKP20

New Update! Heroes of Aria: A History (Part Three): The Great War http://ping.fm/ZwEyp

New Update! Guardians of Worlds - Cover & Page One http://ping.fm/Yl3WE

New Update! Heroes of Arian - A History (Part 2) http://ping.fm/kASD0

• 19:37 started on a new creative project using wordpress.com! Go check it out at ambthecreative.wordpress.com/ #
• 19:59 @sohmer That's so freaking awesome. Is there anything you can't do? #
• 20:53 New Update! Hello world!: Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and st.. tinyurl.com/ajvwuz #
• 20:53 New Update! Heroes of Arian - A History: Billions of years ago, in the far out in the reaches of spac.. tinyurl.com/bdr9d3 #
• 09:50 There has to be a way to edit this damn monster of a novel without it stealing my soul in the process... #

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• 21:13 @missingemerald My procrastination power is more powerful than yours! MWAHAHAH *shoots energy beams of laziness* #
• 21:14 Happy Birthday to me! ^_^ #
• 21:14 Funny how I'm completely alright with not doing anything to celebrate my birthday today. #
• 07:14 @missingemerald Thanks ^__^ #
• 07:14 Up early! Ready for a great day today. #

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I think it's a bad sign when the last seven posts haven't been actual posts and six of them just basically relaying my Twitter. It's probably sad that I'm more active on Twitter than on LiveJournal. Not my fault its so easier and quicker to use.

It's obvious I'm in a slump again. I seriously desire to recommit to all my important goals and keep my eyes on the big picture, the prize, the reason why I'm doing this I don't exactly want to do.

So here's my COMMITMENT for the entire world to see:

--I am now happily editing 23 pages a day on my computer of my fantasy nvoel from February 11, 2009 to February 28, 2009.

--I am now excitedly sending my edited novel to Mai Lynn and Alyssa for feedback on March 1, 2009.

--I am now happily starting and sustaining three blog proyects by February 17, 2008.

--I am now happily being consistent and professional with all my goals every month starting today, February 10, 2009.

The NEW and improved Routine:

( Do In this Order )
If I do not do my absolute best to comply with the above and accomplish my goals, I will give away my laptop.

I am very serious.

And the reason:

( The Big Picture )

And some notes on my Blog Projects, just so in case I lose the papers I wrote it in.

Every Sunday: My Spiritual Mornings
Every Tuesday and Thursday: Story (Heroes of Arian) -- every entry between 500-1,500 words
OPTIONAL Every Saturday: Comic (Guardian of Worlds) OPTIONAL

• 15:20 cleaned and ready to go tackle the to-do list! Take that procrastination! #

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